Dear Mr. Gagosian

We thank the Gods for your failures as an artist, because where would NY stand without your gallery? The less bad art in this world the less angry and hateful we become. But we don't want to talk about hate, anger, or failures; yours, ours, or anyone else's. We want to talk about something positive and how we can help you expand your empire.

Your gallery is beautifully designed and always full of big contemporary masterpieces. Your staff is very friendly and sexy (even our most ignorant friends say so). You are handsome, have good taste, and have amassed a powerful fortune.

So what can we offer the man who has everything (except a hot little trophy wife)? What's the problem? The problem is that every time we open up Artforum and see your ad, we want to puke, or get drunk, start a fight, and then puke. Your logo sucks. That's all we wanted to tell you....Oh and yes, we made a new one for you and it's for sale. $500.00 for print-ready film and the rights. Thanks.

Do it to it,

A.K.U.S.A.

PS: Please don't send us one of those form rejection letters, like President Clinton did. Its humiliating. How would you feel if we didn't go that extra mile for you? Also ask us to send our slides. We're to proud to beg.

pps: The truth is out there.